Celebrating Failure (Sorry, long post)

1) Tell us about a time this past semester that you failed -- whether in this class, or outside of this class. Don't spare any details! It'd be even better if there was something you tried several times this semester, and failed each time. 

So this past semester I have been failing with one of roommates. A lot. I mean like, everyday. Her name is Maitane and when we moved in together, we were good friends. We were on better terms than my best friend and me at the time. Then, as this year has progressed, something happened. It started slow. Differences in lifestyle, bedtimes, definitions of clean, and what should be talked about as roommates arose from living with one another.

I failed. I failed to communicate with her. To reach out and understand her point and, in turn, have her understand mine. I fail every day when I walk down the stairs and we say nothing to one another. We slink by one another with only the slightest semblance of recognition, as if we were two beings whose universes sometimes overlap and we both need to stay quiet for fear of this moment shifting out of focus.

In the beginning of our issues, I tried. I really did. We had house meetings about the passive aggressive notes being pasted up on the fridge and talked about what we wanted to see changed in each other's behavior. But I did not reach her. She and I have not communicated directly since moving into this house except for short instances when we still liked one another.

Now our home is dark and tense. Eerie to walk into and embarrassing to bring strangers home to. I failed to communicate with someone who I deeply respected and admired. Certainly we were both at fault, I would even say she shares more of the blame than I do, but it doesn't matter. The result is the same. We are no longer friends, and that is that.

2) Tell us what you learned from it. 

I learned that even best wishes and efforts can turn sour. That even if you try to keep the peace and talk, things don't always get better. I learned that there is a certain threshold that, once crossed, you cannot turn back from. That point it when silence overtakes any argument or concern. That is when all is lost and the only thing that can make the situation better is time apart. Maybe forever.


3) Reflect, in general, on what you think about failure. Failure is hard, isn't it? It's embarrassing, sure, but it also means that we have to change something about ourselves. Talk about how you handle failure (emotionally, behaviorally). Finally, talk about how this class has changed your perspective on failure -- are you more likely to take a risk now than you were four months ago? 

Before two years ago, I thought failure meant flunking a test or not getting into that program or this internship. I've come to realize that that's the fun kind of failure. That's failure that you can pick yourself up from, dust off your shame, and keep moving, keep working. There is another kind of failure, the bad kind, which I am ashamed to admit that I have encountered quite a bit in my short life time.

The failure that is being estranged from a friend that you once held dear is incredibly painful. It sucks. You had so much respect and love towards that person, and then it goes wrong. What's worse is that it can be so hard to identify exactly where things went wrong. What words were said or what actions were done that cannot be taken back. You never know what you could have done differently.

Before, and I still do this, I handle failure by become down. Not depressed, for I do not suffer from depression, but sad and low and little like something terribly insignificant. I lay in bed and eat bad food and watch anime and drift into a restless sleep filled with half-remembered dreams of being chased.

While I still do the above, now I only allow myself to sink to that low for one day. One day, that's all I get. To cry (even though I don't cry) and sniffle and eat mac and cheese till I explode. Then, the next day, I wake up early, take a shower, eat a good breakfast, get coffee, and get shit done. Fuck that whiny shit. I get dressed and get the fuck out of the house because that's where all that dark shit is looking anyways.

Because of having failed so thoroughly and at so many things in my life thus far, my mindset on how I approach failure has changed. I give myself that day to wallow because I know I need it. I need to sink as low as I can so when I wake up the next morning, I say "alright. That's done. Now I can go back to being fearless." I've learned to move on and let the little shit go, like my roommate leaving silly notes about putting away the ketchup instead of putting it away herself.

This class has made me more open to reaching out to people - something I used to, and still do, consider a risk. Talking with people is scary. Asking people for something or giving someone something is even scarier. But this class has taught me that it's okay to fail, entrepreneurs should fail. What makes them entrepreneurs is their ability to get back up and keep going. That is what I am grateful for in this class.